I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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