Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Found the puke drawer
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
