flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
