A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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