So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
