why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you never un-have a 4some
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
