I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
