I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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