I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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