did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
