You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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