Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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