I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
