Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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