I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm both gender and math confused
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
