happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
