I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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