and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize