i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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