apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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