I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
