My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
