I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Shame - the story of my life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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