Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Holy sore nipples Batman
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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