Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
