Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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