This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
