I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
