My sheets look like a crime scene.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
