Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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