I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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