Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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