I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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