He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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