Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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