I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
