So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
