How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
