i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
