The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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