what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
