my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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