I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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