No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
