All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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