Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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