you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
