peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
