He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
