my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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