My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
