I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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