I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
