she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
