Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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