party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
