My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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