a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
