She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
