She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
