she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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