i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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