I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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